


Letting Go

by TheRealKags



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Anger Management, Angst, Angst with an unhappy ending, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Cheating, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Excessive Drinking, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Substance Abuse, Suicide, Unhealthy Relationships, yes it's kagehina
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-13 17:54:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 20,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10518849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRealKags/pseuds/TheRealKags
Summary: They were together, and it was perfect. Until it wasn't.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this story is dedicated to my mother, who will never read this, who survived an emotionally abusive relationship and kept her children relatively sheltered from it, all the way to the bitter, bitter end.  
> i hope you enjoy this, though i'm sorry if you're not into abusive and failing kagehina. i have plans for this story and a very specific endgame that i really hope you all stick around for.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Then you look back at me and suddenly I'm helpless."

Shouyou let out a sigh as he walked in the door. He got off of work an hour before Tobio did and he was glad he was able to get this time to just relax.

When they'd first gotten married, Shouyou was ecstatic. Not only was Tobio his dream man, but both of them had parents that wholeheartedly supported their decision to marry each other. The wedding was the best Shouyou could ever hope for. Tobio's smile that night was beautiful, as were the decorations and the cake. Their colors were white and powder blue. They'd been in a relationship since their third year of high school and now, they'd graduated college, gotten married, and had their feet on the ground.

They had well paying jobs, Shouyou in an office and Tobio as a sports therapist. It wasn't exactly Shouyou's dream job, but it paid the bills. He'd been forced to give up volleyball after an injury to his leg in his second year of university. It was devastating, but Tobio had been extra supportive and helped him through it. In fact, the setter didn't go on to pursue volleyball after college. He got a degree in sports medicine, but stopped playing much volleyball altogether.

The boys still played, of course, but it was only passing the ball back and forth to each other in the park, as Shouyou couldn't jump anymore. Though the sport was nostalgic for the both of them, it brought back good memories, so they continued to play every once in a while.

When they first got married and moved in together, things were great. They had a lovely domestic relationship and they were happier than they'd ever been. Shouyou's cooking skills mixed with Tobio's cleaning skills made it easy for them to know their chores, which they made sure to divide up evenly. They helped each other, of course, but at that time they never fought over who would make dinner or who would do the dishes. They both knew their roles and appreciated everything the other person did around the house.

Not to mention the fact that their income was perfect for the one bedroom apartment they shared. For two kids just starting out, they made a good amount of money. It wasn't enough to put them in the upper class, but it was just enough to pay the bills and put food on the table while still allowing them to have money for things like entertainment.

They were finally together and things were perfect. Until they weren't.

In their third year of high school, Tobio developed an addiction to alcohol and prescription drugs that he stole from his parents. They didn't usually partake in such things so they had no idea they were going missing until it was too late. Their son was already addicted. When Shouyou found out about his addiction, he was crushed. He'd known something was wrong for months but couldn't quite put his finger on it until Tobio called him one night, completely drunk, and spilled everything to him.

By the end of that school year, though, Tobio was getting help. He went to a rehabilitation group twice a week and it really seemed to make a difference. He became less irritable and learned how to express his emotions in healthier ways. It was Shouyou who made him tell his parents in the first place and it put a lot of strain on their relationship, but they made it through. They figured that if they could make it through that, they could make it through anything.

But that was before. Now that they were married, their relationship was supposed to be stronger than ever, right?

So when Shouyou made Tobio promise to never partake in such things again, he should've kept his promise, right? When Shouyou told Tobio to tell him if he ever wanted to drink again, he should've done so, right?

Wrong. Because things don't always turn out how you want them to. Sometimes, love isn't enough. Sometimes, love fails. And sometimes, you question if there was ever love in your relationship, or if you were both just so attached to each other for some personal gain.

After high school ended, Tobio promised his lover that he'd never indulge in addictive substances again. The only medication they ever kept in the house was over the counter ibuprofen just in case they needed it, and Shouyou always kept it hidden until he was sure that he could trust Tobio around it. Even then, he was always sure to check the bottle periodically and count the pills to make sure they weren't rapidly decreasing in number.

Once Tobio got over his addiction, his anger issues weren't as bad. They peaked during the time Shouyou told his parents and he broke up with him, but only for two days before he came back, regretting his decision. Since then, he's been more docile and understanding. They still got into petty, playful arguments at times, but never serious ones.

So when Shouyou let Tobio do the grocery shopping one Saturday morning, he didn't expect him to buy alcohol and hide it from him in the back of the cupboard. He didn't expect to find out days later after he came home late from a gathering with some friends to find Tobio drunk on the couch.

"Tobio," he'd said with tears in his eyes. "You promised."

"It's not a big deal," his spouse replied with a roll of his eyes. "It's just this once, don't worry about it."

Shouyou didn't sleep that night, but Tobio did. He slept late that morning, no matter how many times Shouyou tried to wake him up. Eventually, he got ready and started his day, leaving Tobio to his own devices. Eventually, the taller man did get up, screaming and asking why Shouyou never got him up. They both went to work upset that morning, Tobio angry and hungover and Shouyou sad and worried.

Shouyou didn't tell anyone that Tobio had relapsed. He held out hope that the former setter would change, that he'd get better, but it just never happened. Before too long, things got out of hand. Tobio began drinking every day. Alcohol was always on the shopping list and Shouyou gave in and bought it at the store, despite how badly he didn't want to. If he didn't, he'd get screamed at.

Shouyou soon began to fear Tobio more than he loved him.

Tobio began to find more new excuses to be angry with Shouyou. Sometimes he didn't get the right kind of beer, sometimes he put the dishes away in the wrong cabinets, and sometimes he wasn't making breakfast fast enough. Sometimes he didn't have permission to leave the house, sometimes he wasn't allowed to spend money, and sometimes he was spending too much time with Kenma.

The only person who knew about their failing relationship was Kenma. He and Shouyou had lunch together every Wednesday and the redhead always told him everything. And I mean everything. So as soon as Shouyou realized that Tobio had lost control of his alcoholism, Kenma was the first to know.

"Have you tried asking his parents for help," Kenma asked. "They might know what to do."

Shouyou smiled sadly. "We're not kids anymore," he said. "We can't keep relying on our parents for everything. I can figure this out. I promise."

So now, as Shouyou sat on the couch to get just an hour of relaxation before Tobio got there, he was dreading the moment when the other man would walk through the door. Well, he'd have to start dinner soon so it would be ready before Tobio got back, but he could start it in a few minutes. He leaned back and closed his eyes for just a few seconds before he heard tires on the road. His eyes shot open as he heard the sound of a car door closing and soon enough, Tobio was walking through the door.

"You're home early today," Shouyou said.

"Yeah," Tobio replied. "My last appointment was cancelled. What're you doing?"

Shouyou jumped up. "Sorry, I was just going to start dinner."

And so he got up and got to work, still holding out the hope that things might somehow fix themselves.

Deep down, he knew they wouldn't.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I remember that dreamlike candlelight like a dream you can't quite place."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, all of the summaries will be hamilton quotes. you're welcome.   
> updates will be on saturdays and wednesdays i think.   
> well, that is if i can get over this writers block. i haven't been able to write more than a sentence at a time for the past three days. not to mention the crippling depression and the fact that i got into a fight at school yesterday lmao.   
> but yes, here is the next chapter.

"Shouyou!"

The redhead shot up in bed.

"Come on, we're gonna be late!"

He scrambled out of bed and threw on the closest shirt and pair of khakis, yelling, "I'm sorry!"

He rushed to the kitchen and realized he still had fifteen minutes to make breakfast. Perfect. He could work with that. He'd just have to skip his shower this morning. But of course, Tobio was waiting expectantly at the table for him with raised eyebrows. He quickly got Tobio's coffee made in a travel mug and got his lunch together before making him a quick bagel for the road. It looked like Shouyou wouldn't have time to make himself anything. It was alright, though. He could wait until lunch.

He and Tobio set off for work and when Shouyou got there, he really wished he'd gotten himself a coffee. He could barely keep his eyes open despite the fact that he'd slept late. If Tobio had just _made his own damn breakfast_ , Shouyou might have at least had enough time to- no. Shouyou couldn't be having thoughts like that. Tobio would never get better if he didn't have all of Shouyou's support.

Later in the day, he got a text from Kenma asking if they were still on for lunch. It was then that Shouyou realized that in his rush, he forgot his wallet that morning. He told Kenma this, but the older just insisted that he'd pay for the both of them. Guilt ate at Shouyou as he walked to the restaurant that day. It was only a few blocks away, but it felt like longer because his bad leg began to hurt after only a few minutes of walking. When he reached the cafe, he scanned the place for Kenma. Concluding that he wasn't there, Shouyou grabbed a seat at a nearby table for two.

Before too long, Kenma walked into the cafe. He was clad in dark blue jeans, a light blue pinstriped dress shirt, and a grey vest. It was much more dapper than the outfit that Shouyou had quickly thrown on- which didn't even match, by the way.

"Hey, Shouyou," Kenma said with a small smile. "Oversleep again?"

Shouyou frowned. "Yes. And Tobio didn't even think to wake me up until there was only fifteen minutes left."

"Did he leave without you again?"

"No," Shouyou replied. "But almost."

Kenma looked at him quizzically. "I still don't understand why he gets to use the car when you work farther away from home than he does. Not to mention your bad leg."

"I can still walk," Shouyou retorted. "It just hurts after a while. Plus, I like walking. It's good exercise."

"Well don't you guys usually play volleyball in the park on Saturdays? I thought that would be enough exercise."

Shouyou frowned yet again. "No," he said. "We haven't done that in a while. Not since things started getting bad again."

"Let's order something," Kenma suggested. "Then we'll talk."

They walked up to the front and Shouyou could feel Kenma's eyes boring into him as he limped.

"Maybe your exercise is overworking your leg," the dirty blonde said.

"It's not," Shouyou snapped. "I'm fine, just a little sore."

They ordered, Shouyou insisting on getting a rather small meal because he didn't have his own money. Though Kenma said he didn't need to pay him back, Shouyou insisted on doing that, too. They went back to their table and sat down, beginning to eat.

"So," Kenma started. "How are things with him?"

Shouyou was slightly put off by the fact that he wouldn't even say Tobio's name.

"Not any better," he replied. "But I still think I can help him."

"Shouyou," Kenma said with a sympathetic look. "You need help. _He_ needs help. I don't think you can do this on your own."

"I can't tell anyone about this," Shouyou said. "It'll ruin his reputation. He was just starting to get close with some friends, I can't ruin that for him."

"Close?" Kenma questioned. "What does that mean?"

"He goes out with them sometimes," Shouyou said. "All they do is... Well, I don't really know, but I assume they probably just go out to eat or something."

"Has he ever tried to include you?"

Shouyou hesitated. "N-no... I don't know if this is what you're thinking here, but Tobio would never _cheat_ or anything."

"Of course," Kenma said. "I don't know what I was thinking."

They sat in silence for a few minutes and picked at their food, the redhead still angry at the mere notion that Tobio wasn't loyal. Of course he was. Shouyou trusted him and allowed him to have his privacy. That's all it was. Nothing more, nothing less.

"I should go," Shouyou said, standing. "Thanks for the food, I'll buy for you next week."

"Are you sure Tobio will be okay with that?" Kenma asked, concerned. "He doesn't even want us going out anymore, what'll he think if you buy for me? I don't want to get you in trouble again."

The week prior, Tobio said that a friend saw him and Kenma out for lunch. Long story short, Tobio was not happy. He spent almost thirty minutes screaming at Shouyou about spending money and how they should be saving up more, and he even accused the redhead of cheating on him with Kenma. It ended with Tobio punching yet another hole through the wall, which they had to pay to fix. So much for saving money.

"It'll be fine," the former spiker said. "I promise."

Shouyou walked out the door with Kenma and they went their opposite ways. The redhead looked at his watch and realized that he only had fifteen minutes to get back to work. He picked up his pace as he walked through the city and before he knew it, he was running towards his workplace, his left leg screaming in protest. He limped quickly into the building and sat back down at his desk, popping in some ibuprofen. Ugh. Now it was time to help do more budgeting for the company. Math was not his thing.

This led him to wonder how he landed this job in the first place. Sure, the owner of the business was a family friend, but it was strange that he'd been transferred to treasury when his math skills were truly less than mediocre. His mind swam as he halfheartedly entered values into the computer and calculated their ending balance. Then it dawned on him- why couldn't the chief treasurer just do this? What did he even do on his own?

When work was finally done, he stood and walked to the elevator, going down to the ground floor. He set off for home, stopping at the store on the way and lugging even more beer home, because he knew Tobio was almost out. Things weren't pretty when Shouyou let Tobio run out of beer, whether it was on purpose or by accident. When the redhead finally got home, he made his way into the apartment and put the beer in the fridge before sitting on the couch, elevating his sore leg. He'd have to start dinner soon.

When he did, he just planned on throwing something simple together. Before too long, it was only a few minutes before the time that Tobio would be getting home. The redhead let dinner simmer on the stove to keep it warm for a bit as he waited for him. And waited. And waited some more. Tobio should've been home thirty minutes ago. Should Shouyou start eating without him? No. If he did that, Tobio would be angry. He waited some more.

An hour passed. Where the hell was he? Shouyou checked his phone to see if Tobio messaged him that he'd be late. There weren't any messages. He caved, serving dinner for himself and turning the stove off. As he ate, he felt guilt and dread rising within him, making him nauseous and unable to finish his meal. He cleaned up his place and began putting the leftovers into containers in the fridge, doing the dishes afterwards- they didn't split up chores anymore, Shouyou did all of them. He scrubbed them until they were clean and dried them slowly, taking his time in putting them away.

It had been three hours since Tobio should've been home and Shouyou was beginning to worry. He'd tried calling Tobio several times but he hadn't answered. He was now pacing around the apartment, worrying. What kind of state would Tobio be in when he got home? Shouyou would just have to wait and find out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Set my heart aflame, every part aflame, this is not a game."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posting now since i might miss my update tomorrow.

When Tobio got home, it was almost midnight.

And he was drunk.

"Hey," Shouyou said timidly. "I'm glad you got home safe."

Tobio stopped walking and stared at him for a second, obviously uninterested, before continuing into the kitchen.

To get more beer.

Shouyou sighed and sat on the recliner in front of the television. Tobio had been out drinking this _whole time_ and what does he do once he gets home? He gets another drink. Tobio came to where Shouyou was sitting.

"You're in my chair," he said, voice slightly slurred.

The redhead jumped up. "Oh, yeah," he said. "Sorry."

He moved to the couch and sat at the far end of it, bringing the knee of his good leg to his chest, wrapping his arms around it. Whenever Tobio was drinking, Shouyou had a habit of trying to make himself as small as possible.

But as soon as Tobio took a drink, the redhead knew something was wrong. The former setter's eyes widened and he looked at the bottle he was drinking from.

"This is the wrong kind," he said, voice scarily calm. "You bought me the wrong kind of beer."

He put his bottle down and stood, swiftly making his way over to where Shouyou was. The redhead stood up, but stared at the ground, too afraid to meet his spouse's eyes.

"You know what kind I drink!" Tobio's voice rose. "Were you not paying attention? Or are you just that much of a dumbass?"

The nickname used to be a sign of strange affection, but now it was used with a bite or anger behind it. Shouyou winced.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't see-"

"You didn't bother to look at the label, then, is that it?"

The redhead spluttered. "What? No, I-I just didn't-"

"Go and get the right beer then," Tobio demanded. Shouyou didn't move. _"Go!"_

The redhead dashed over and grabbed his wallet and the car keys before rushing out the door. He got into the car and sat there for a minute, calming his racing heart. He leaned his head on the steering wheel and just breathed until he could bring himself to turn the car on and drive. With a lump in his throat, Shouyou drove to the nearest gas station and went inside, grabbing the _right_ beer this time and bringing it to the counter. As the man behind the counter eyed him, the redhead tried to keep from letting any tears slip from his eyes.

Shouyou got back in the car and began slowly driving home, dreading the moment when he'd walk in the door. When he pulled up to the apartment building, he walked as slowly as possible, taking the stairs to the third floor. He unlocked the door and entered the apartment to find Tobio already asleep on the chair. Shouyou put the new beer inside the fridge and his eyes landed on the beer that he'd bought before. Well, if Tobio wasn't going to drink it, someone had to.

He had a pretty low tolerance for alcohol, so he was feeling the buzz within a short time. It wasn't long after he finished the first bottle that he turned in for the night.

When Shouyou woke the next morning, Tobio was still on his chair asleep.

"Tobio," he said warily. "It's time to wake up, or we'll be late again."

The raven haired man opened his eyes and looked up at him for a second before sighing and closing his eyes again.

"Come on," Shouyou said. "I know you're tired but I don't want you to be late."

He opened his eyes once more but this time, there was a crease between his eyebrows, signaling that Shouyou needed to back off. He did so, retreating to the bathroom to take a shower and muttering a quick "sorry." When he got out, Tobio went in. He started on breakfast and started making sure their lunches were ready and when Tobio was ready, he served the food. This was how mornings typically were- Shouyou doing everything he could to make sure he and his spouse were ready for work.

The only different thing about today was that he had a doctors appointment for his knee. He'd go to work like normal, but leave towards the middle of the day and take the bus downtown to the doctor's office. When he did so, he reluctantly sat down in the only empty seat which was next to a balding man who didn't hesitate to stare at him creepily the whole way. When he got off, he was glad to find that the man stayed on the bus and didn't follow him.

When he entered the doctors office, he signed in and sat in the corner of the waiting room, his good leg bouncing up and down with anticipation. Soon enough, Shouyou was called by a doctor and went into an examination room, once again waiting there. After what felt like an eternity, the doctor finally entered.

"Hello," he said. "How has your leg been doing lately?"

"Ah," Shouyou began hesitantly. "It starts hurting pretty badly when I walk too much. It-It's been so long since the injury, I thought it was supposed to stop hurting by now?"

"Let's take a quick scan of it to make sure the implant is still in place," the doctor recommended.

Shouyou went with a nurse towards the end of the hallway where she brought him in to get an x-ray. He sat perfectly still while the machine scanned his knee and lower leg from several different angles. Soon it was done and Shouyou was sent back to his exam room where he waited for the results. They came sooner than expected.

"Excuse me," the doctor said when he came back in. "I think I know why you've been having so much discomfort."

"Why?" Shouyou looked at the doctor with wide eyes.

"There seems to be space between your knee replacement and the bone," the doctor said. "Now, it seems to have come loose from overuse. Have you been doing a lot of activity lately?"

"Well," Shouyou began. "I do walk to and from work every day." He paused. "And to and from lunch on Wednesdays."

"How far from your house do you work?"

"Uh," the redhead thought. "Maybe... three kilometers or so?"

"You've been walking six kilometers a day?" The doctor looked at him with wide eyes. "I think that's why you're having some problems. Is there any way you could get some sort of transportation to your workplace? Maybe ride the bus or something?"

"There aren't any routes that go from my house to the city," he said. "I could try and figure something out."

"Well," the doctor began. "In the meantime, we need to set a date for a repair surgery for your implant. It's not going to reattach itself."

Shouyou sighed. "Okay. But... How long will it take to recover?"

"Not as long as the first time," the doctor replied. "Don't worry."

The redhead left the doctors office that day with a lot on his mind. How much would the surgery cost? Would Tobio be angry with him for this, even though it was something he couldn't control? How would he get Tobio to let him use the car, or at least give him a ride in it?

Shouyou got back on the bus and rode back to work where he spent the last hour of the day trying to keep his mind off of the surgery. Maybe he could put it off for a while. Yeah. He didn't need it that badly. At the end of the day, Shouyou walked back home, yet again. It was strange walking while knowing that his knee wasn't completely attached to the implant.

He had so much on his mind, he could practically feel his hair turning grey. It sure would be fun telling Tobio about the surgery when he got home.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If it takes fighting a war for us to meet, it will have been worth it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back! i almost missed my update today! whew!

When Shouyou reached the apartment, he robotically began to prepare dinner, hoping that Tobio wouldn't go drinking today, but also dreading the moment when he'd walk through the door. Luckily or unluckily, depending on how you look at it, Tobio was back on time. Of course, the first thing he did was go into the kitchen, brushing past Shouyou and going straight for the beer. Why should he expect anything less?

"Um, Tobio," Shouyou said. "Can I talk to you for a second?" Tobio stared at him and he elaborated. "I went to the doctor for my knee and... Apparently with all the walking I've been doing every day, my implant loosened."

Tobio was silent for a second before responding. "And?"

" _And_ I need surgery to put it back into place, a-and I was wondering if... Maybe... I could start using the car?"

"No," his husband replied. "No, I use it to get to and from work. And other places."

"I know," Shouyou said quietly. "But-but it gets really hard to walk with my leg like this and it'll just come out of place again if I keep-"

"What part of _no_ don't you understand?"

There was a silence that followed that question in which Tobio sat on his chair, turning on the television.

"I'm sorry," Shouyou whispered, taking his place at the other end of the couch and once again making himself as small as he could be.

When the next day rolled around, Tobio was more hungover than usual. He wouldn't get out of bed and Shouyou knew that if he didn't do something, he'd get in trouble. Although what could he do without making Tobio even angrier at him than he usually was? In the end, the black haired man finally got out of bed and got ready for work. Shouyou had to skip his morning shower to make sure Tobio had enough time to get ready, but it was okay. He was willing to give up a shower for him.

Once again, Shouyou walked to work while Tobio had the luxury of taking the car. What they really needed was another car. They had plenty of money, but Tobio just didn't want to make the investment. He never spent money on anything besides food, bills, beer, and cigarettes. In fact, he never let Shouyou buy any new clothes or shoes, instead making him buy them from resale stores. The redhead hadn't bought himself a new article of clothing since things with Tobio got bad again.

They never had sex anymore. The last time they did, it was full of hatred and anger, but _not_ the sexy kind. It was miserable and pathetic. Neither of them enjoyed it and it was at that moment that Shouyou realized that their relationship might not be salvageable. He silently cried in the bathroom most of the day. In the days that followed, Shouyou began sleeping on the couch. He just couldn't bring himself to sleep with a man that he might not love. But then again, maybe he _did_ love him. They say that love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly. Oh, did Shouyou desire to be desired.

The rest of the week went by in a blur. Tobio came home late most days dead drunk and offered no explanation as to where he was or what he was doing. Soon enough was Shouyou's next meeting with Kenma. They met at the same cafe as last time and Shouyou had just as hard of a time getting there what with his bad leg. Maybe they'd have to start finding a place a bit closer to where he worked. This time, it took him so long to get there that Kenma was already at a table waiting.

"Hey, Shouyou," he said before frowning. "You okay?"

The pain in his leg must be showing on his face. The redhead quickly changed his expression.

"Oh, I'm fine," he said, flashing a smile.

He went and sat down across from Kenma, offering to treat him to lunch. The dirty blonde declined. They went up and ordered their food, Shouyou once again getting something rather small so he didn't spend too much money. They got their food once it was made and they sat back down at their table, Kenma once again beginning the conversation.

"How're things with _him_?"

Shouyou sighed. "It's just getting worse," he said. He began telling his senior about the doctor and his leg and how Tobio still wouldn't let him use the car.

"You know," Kenma said. "I work at a bank. You could apply there and I could put in a good word for you. Especially since you're an assistant treasurer already. I could just pick you up on the way to work each day."

"That could work," Shouyou said. "I just hope my hours would be the same as they are now. I still have to take care of Tobio, you know," the redhead finished with a smile.

Kenma hummed in response, but his lips were pressed into a line signifying that he wasn't happy about the situation. Shouyou knew that Kenma didn't want him with Tobio anymore. As much as it sucked that his lover and his best friend didn't get along, it was kind of reassuring that someone else saw the error in their relationship and Shouyou wasn't just overreacting.

"Listen," Kenma said. "If anything ever happens, if he gets violent or something, promise me you'll leave him."

He smiled sadly. "Kenma," he began. "I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I have what it takes to walk away from somebody I love."

His senior looked at him warily before responding with an "okay."

The rest of their meal was spent in silence, for the most part. Only small talk broke the deafening quiet. The cafe was bustling with people going out for lunch, but the silence between them was tense enough to overtake all of that.

Shouyou was the first to leave, as he had a lot to think about. He'd go online as soon as possible so he could apply for this job. Kenma emailed him the application and job description and he was already working on his resume. They didn't have a computer at home, so he'd either have to go to the library or stay late at work. He got out his phone and texted Tobio, telling him that he'd be home late but there were leftovers in the fridge. He knew he wouldn't be happy, but it was all he could do. Tobio was, in fact, not happy. The text he sent back was full of _"what the hell"_ and _"I can't believe you."_

Shouyou tried to brush it off, but he couldn't tell what he'd be in for when he got home. The anxiety situated itself in the pit of his stomach and stayed there the rest of the day. When the redhead did go to leave work, his anxiety rose and suddenly, he couldn't breathe. Shouyou leaned against the side of the building and brought his hands to his face, trying to catch his breath. He slid down into a sitting position and now he was sat around the side of his building in a small alleyway in the dark.

He reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone, texting Tobio. What he typed could've been _"help"_ or it could've been _"I can't breathe"_ or it could've been both, he wasn't really sure. Why he was texting Tobio if he was the one Shouyou was afraid of, he wasn't sure. But all he knew was that he wanted him there. He wanted to feel safe again in those arms. His phone buzzed with a text. _"I'm on my way,"_ it read. Part of Shouyou was happy, the other part was terrified. He only cried more.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He will never be satisfied. I will never be satisfied."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp i'm still having some major writers block, but oh well. have some actually nice kags for a change.

When a car pulled up by the building, Shouyou jumped. He was sat on the ground with his head resting on his knees, still hyperventilating. He heard rushed footsteps approaching and tensed up even more.

"Shouyou," he heard. "Hey, Shou, what's wrong?" There were hands on his shoulders and he tried to shrink away.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, _I'm so sorry_."

"Hey, it's okay." Tobio's voice was surprisingly soft, as was his hand rubbing his back. "It's okay. What happened?"

"I didn't m-mean to make you mad, I'm sorry, I was just trying to f-fill out an application for a new job," he explained. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."

"It's fine," his lover said. "I promise, it's fine."

"No," Shouyou cried. "No, it's not, I-I don't know why I'm like this, I don't understand why I have to b-be like this."

"You're fine," Tobio said soothingly. "You're okay, I mean it. Let's just go home, okay?"

They stood together and Tobio led him to the car, opening the passengers side for him just like he used to. They both got in and headed for their apartment. Tobio kept sending him nervous glances every now and then. Maybe their relationship _was_ salvageable. Maybe they could make things better.

When they got to the apartment building, Tobio had his hand on Shouyou's back the whole way up the stairs. The redhead went in and warmed up some dinner, but couldn't bring himself to eat much of it. He was still being cautious around Tobio for the time being. Well, that is, until the other came and put his hands around his waist.

"Come to bed with me tonight," he whispered into Shouyou's ear.

The redhead shivered slightly before he nodded and let himself be led into the bedroom. He let Tobio push him onto the bed and he let the other man crawl on top of him, planting their lips together. Tobio's hands wandered around his body and his hands did the same to Tobio, who eventually broke their kiss to take both their shirts off. His hands rubbed against Shouyou's chest and his lips were planted against his collarbone. He sucked a mark there and moved to other spots along his chest, all the while gripping the redhead's waist tightly. Then, Tobio moved to take off Shouyou's pants.

"Wait," Shouyou said. Tobio didn't. "I said wait." Nothing. _"Stop!"_

Shouyou pushed against his chest and squirmed out from under his husband, who now wore an angered, flushed expression.

"What the hell?" Tobio yelled.

"I just..." Shouyou struggled for the right words. "I'm just not in the mood right now, okay? I'm sorry."

The raven haired man's angry frown deepened. "Maybe you _should_ sleep on the couch tonight."

Shouyou felt tears spring to his eyes and a pain in his chest. He sprang up and ran into the bathroom, letting the tears fall down his cheeks. So much for saving their relationship. He shamelessly sobbed until he couldn't anymore. He washed his face and grabbed his blanket, going to sleep on the couch once again.

When he woke the next morning, Shouyou's eyes were puffy. He splashed more water on his face and began getting ready for work. Tobio didn't say a word to him that morning, just eating his breakfast, grabbing his lunch, and leaving for work. He left earlier than usual and Shouyou had just a few minutes to himself before he had to leave. He sat and ate breakfast slowly, only taking a few bites before he decided to leave so he'd be able to work more on his application.

Shouyou walked into work and was immediately cornered by a friend who slung his arm around the redhead's shoulder.

"Dude," he said. "You look _awful_. You okay?"

"Oh, of course!" Shouyou said. "Just worked late last night."

"Ah," said his coworker. "Just make sure you're getting enough sleep. Don't want you falling asleep on the job, right?"

The person patted him on the back and then walked away. Shouyou walked towards the elevator and went up to his floor. He had a meeting during his lunch hour, so he'd have to eat while he was working. Today was going to be a long day.

And it was. The hours seemed to creep by ever so slowly until finally he finished his work. Then it was time to work on his application. As he was finishing up his cover letter and making sure his resume was up to date, his _lovely_ boss walked in.

"And why are you still here?" The boss asked. "Finally putting in some more effort?"

"A-actually," Shouyou began. "I'm working on an appplication... For a new job closer to home."

"Why's that?"

"W-well, I have to walk to and from work every day, and it's bad for my knee- I have an implant- so I-"

"Yeah, yeah, alright. I won't tell the higher ups about this. You're lucky no one's letting you go right this minute."

With that, he walked away. Shouyou huffed before saving his work to a flash drive and putting it in his pocket. Standing and grabbing his stuff, he left for home. It was scary, walking down the street at night. Their town wasn't exactly the safest, but it couldn't be helped. He walked fast, bumping into people and muttering "sorry" as he did. He finally reached the apartment and dashed up the stairs before making his way inside and locking the door behind him. He hated his paranoia.

At the slam of the door, Tobio jumped and looked over at him.

"Sor-" Shouyou began before he was cut off.

"Just _shut up_ , dumbass."

He shut his mouth and went into the bedroom to grab a change of clothes before making his way to his spot on the couch and staying there. He didn't eat dinner that night.

The next day passed in a blur and finally it was Saturday, his day off. Tobio would work, so he wouldn't have the car to do anything, but he knew that Sugawara had the day off, too, and lived nearby. So, Shouyou called him and asked for a ride. Suga said yes, of course, but Shouyou always felt bad for making him give up the time and gas to take him places. When Suga got there, he rang the bell and the redhead buzzed him in, opening the door and waiting with a smile.

"Hey, Shouyou," he said. "How're you doing?"

"I'm great," he lied. "How about you?"

"Oh, I'm doing pretty good too. How about Kageyama?"

Shouyou frowned slightly. "He's... He's still drinking. But I think we can make some progress."

Suga came inside and his nose immediately scrunched up and he eyed the holes that Tobio had punched in the wall. This was why they never had people over. Their apartment held the pungent smell of alcohol and cigarettes.

"Sorry about the smell," Shouyou said. "I'm still trying to get him to smoke outside."

"It's alright," Suga said. "I could help you shampoo your carpets at some point to help get rid of it."

"Thanks," the redhead replied. "But I'll have to figure out how to get him to stop smoking inside, first."

Suga hummed in response and Shouyou grabbed his wallet before they left the house.

"Let me pay for gas," Shouyou said, knowing it would get him into trouble later.

"No," Suga said. "Think of it this way. I need to do some shopping, and you're just tagging along."

"Fine," the redhead replied.

They finally reached the store and they each grabbed their own carts, still staying together, though. They walked down the aisles, picking up what they needed- Suga eyed Shouyou when he picked up a case of beer, but didn't say anything. Then, they went to the clothing area so Shouyou could pick out some new dress clothes in case he would end up with an interview.

"This shirt would look good on you," Suga said, holding up a beige long sleeved dress shirt.

Shouyou frowned. "It's not exactly inexpensive."

"Yes it is," Suga said. "It's actually a great price for a new dress shirt."

Of course, the redhead wouldn't know that because he was only ever allowed to buy resale clothes.

"Alright," he decided against his conscience. "I'll get it."

Hopefully Tobio wouldn't notice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nice kags didn't last long, did it?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Be careful with that one, love, he will do what it takes to survive."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter isn't my favorite but oh well

Shouyou was ecstatic. He turned in his application, resume, and cover letter, and now he had an interview. He was optimistic and was sure he'd get the job. Since he had so many sick days to use, the redhead took one so he could go over to the bank for his interview. Shouyou tamed his long red locks and put on his new shirt and pants with his best dress shoes. As he came out of the bedroom, though, he was cornered by Tobio.

"Is that new," Tobio asked.

"Y-yes," Shouyou replied, looking at the ground.

Tobio's fist landed against the wall above the shorter male's head. "I thought I told you not to spend any useless money," he shouted. "You have plenty of good shirts that you could've worn."

"I wanted a new one for this interview," Shouyou said. "I-I need this job, it's closer to home, and it might pay better, and-"

"I don't care," he said. "You're _supposed_ to do as I say!"

Shouyou looked up and saw his raised fist and took cover under his arms, squeezing his eyes shut. When the blow didn't come, he opened one eye and looked up, to see the fist still hanging in the air. Tobio was staring down at him, his eyes wide.

"I'm sorry," Shouyou said, the words coming out a terrified whimper as tears formed in his eyes. _Dammit_. He didn't want to look bad for his interview.

Tobio lowered his hand and turned around, grabbing his bag and keys before walking out the door. He hadn't even eaten breakfast yet. Shouyou covered his face with his hands and let his sobs ring out through the apartment. The neighbors could surely hear, but the redhead didn't care. They could always hear all of their arguments. Soon, Shouyou went into the bathroom and washed his face, making sure he didn't look too bad, before setting off for his interview. He shoved his hands in his pockets and sulked the whole way there. All he could think of was having to go back home at the end of the day.

When he reached the bank, he was just in time for his interview. He shook hands with the owner and they sat down at a table in his office.

"Why are you interested in working for us?" The man asked.

He answered and this was followed by several more questions. The manager was very kind and seemed to have a good sense of humor. Long story short, he seemed like someone Shouyou would love to work for. The interview lasted a bit longer than expected, but it was completely worth it because in the end, Shouyou was given a job as a bank teller. He was told that he would be able to move up in the ranks and get a higher paying job soon.

Shouyou left the bank in high spirits. His wages here would be a _little_ less than what he earned at his other job to start out, but he would surely have a much better experience there than at his current job. Not to mention the fact that he could always get a raise if he worked hard enough. The only down side of this was having to resign. He was not looking forward to talking to his boss about it. The man was overly sarcastic to the point where it wasn't funny, only offensive. Shouyou never liked having to talk to him. His new job would begin in a week, so he would tell the boss about his resignation now and actually stop working within a few days. At least he wouldn't have to put up with his boss for too much longer.

The redhead used the rest of his day off to do some grocery shopping and get some rest. He was always exhausted, so he was glad to have the chance to get some extra sleep. Sadly, his blissful nap was interrupted when Tobio came home early, slamming the front door. Shouyou shot up straight into a sitting position and looked over from where he sat on the couch, heart pounding. When he met Tobio's eyes, he tried to smile through his fear.

"You scared me," he said with a nervous laugh. "H-how was your day?"

"Fucking _awful_ ," he said, going into the bedroom and changing before coming back out and heading for the door.

Shouyou frowned. "Where are you going?"

"None of your business," Tobio replied sharply.

"Wait," he said. "When do you think you'll be back?"

Tobio turned to face him. "I don't know," he yelled. "Why do _you_ care?"

He wasn't sure what gave him the sudden courage, or maybe it was stupidity, but Shouyou stood up and spoke his mind.

"Are you cheating on me?"

After a beat of silence, Tobio took one long stride towards him and grabbed his shirt, turning and slamming him against the wall, the redhead crying out when the back of his head collided with it.

" _What_ did you just say?" The former setter growled.

"I'm sorry," Shouyou whimpered. "I'm sorry, _I'm sorry!"_

Tobio let go of his shirt and turned, swiftly walking out the door. The redhead's heart pounded and his huffing breaths turned to sobs as he leaned against the wall and fell to a sitting position. Shouyou brought his good knee to his chest and rested his forehead on it, using his hands to rub at the back of his sore head. When a few minutes passed and Shouyou was still freaking out, he caved and decided to call Kenma.

"Hello?" The dirty blonde answered.

"K-Kenma," Shouyou cried. He tried to say more, but sobs overtook him.

"Shouyou?" Kenma said. "Shouyou, what's wrong?"

"T-Tobio just... He just... I can't, Kenma, I can't."

"Do you need me to- Not now, Kuro- Do you need me to go over there?"

"Yes," the redhead cried. "Please."

"Do you want me to stay on the phone until I get there?"

"Y-Yes."

"Okay." There was some shuffling and muffled voices. "I'm on my way."

After a few minutes, Shouyou buzzed the older boy in and let him into the apartment. As soon as Kenma walked in the door, he enveloped Shouyou in a tight hug.

"What happened," he demanded.

"I made him mad again," Shouyou said. "God, what is wrong with me? Why do I have to be like this?" The sentence ended in pure sobs.

"There's _nothing_ wrong with you," Kenma said. "I promise. Do you want to come home with me tonight? I don't want you alone here, especially when he comes back."

"Okay," Shouyou whispered.

They walked down the stairs to the parking lot, a neighbor walking past them and giving Shouyou a pitying look. When they made it to the car, the redhead sat in the front passenger's seat next to Kenma, who drove him back to his house.

"Kuroo is there," he said. "I hope you don't mind."

"It's fine," Shouyou replied.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"

Shouyou just shook his head. They drove in silence and Kenma listened to the redhead sniffle every once in a while. They soon made it to the dirty blonde's house, which he shared with Kuroo. Speaking of, the black haired man was standing in the doorway when they got there.

"Hey, Shrimpy," he said, worry etched deep into his features. "What's up?"

"Nothing," Shouyou said, entering the house, Kuroo putting a comforting hand on his back and leading him to the couch.

"Could you make some tea?" Kenma asked Kuroo, who nodded and went to do so. "Please tell me what happened," he begged Shouyou.

The redhead sighed and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. "It happened twice today," he said. "Twice, I just..." He sniffled and more tears poured from his eyes as Kuroo returned with the tea.

"What did?" Kenma asked as Kuroo sat down next to them. "Please, tell me. I want to help you."

"He tried to hurt me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp, the elephant is in the room.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You and your words, obsessed with your legacy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for this

"What?" Kenma asked, horrified.

"I swear, I'll kill him," Kuroo muttered.

At that, Shouyou broke. He was reduced to loud, heart wrenching sobs.

"Please don't tell anyone," he cried. " _P-Please_ , please don't be mad at him, he's- he's trying his best! I'm trying to work with him, I'm really t-try-ying!"

The sentence ended in hysterical crying. Shouyou was doubled over where he sat and Kenma rubbed his back in circles with his hand.

"Shouyou," Kenma said. " _No one_ is mad here." He sent Kuroo a glance. "But I need you to think. Is he _really_ trying? What has he done to try and make this better?"

"Well," Shouyou began. "He..."

The redhead was at a loss. He just buried his face in his hands again.

"How close did he come to hurting you?" Kuroo asked.

"Well, this morning he stopped himself before touching me at all and left for work early. Then just before he grabbed me a-and pinned me to the wall, and it-it hurt the back of my head, and..."

"Shh," Kenma said when his sobs picked up again. "It's okay, it'll be oka-"

"No, it won't," Shouyou yelled. "I can't do this, I love him so much, but I'm s-scared of him, too! I don't know what t-to do!"

"You need to leave him," Kuroo said. "It's evident now that you're not safe there. Once we get you safe, _then_ we can take care of him."

The three of them sat in silence as Shouyou calmed his breathing down and thought for a minute. Kenma continued to rub circles in the small of his back.

"Can I have some time to think about it?" Shouyou asked. "There's still more I could be doing to try and fix this. I need to try a few things first."

Kenma sighed. "Alright," he said. "How about you sleep here tonight, okay? I can run you back to your apartment tomorrow morning so you can change, and then I'll drive you to work."

"But what about you?" The redhead asked. "Don't you have work tomorrow morning? I don't want to make you late."

"It'll be okay," he said. "I'll talk to the boss. He'll understand."

They got the guest room ready with clean sheets and Kenma gave him some pajamas to wear.

"Thanks for doing this," the redhead said when Kenma handed him the clothes. "You know you don't have to, right?"

"But I _want_ to," he said. "I want to make sure you're okay."

After he escorted Shouyou back to the bedroom, Kenma was hesitant to leave.

"Are you?" The dirty blonde asked. "Okay, I mean."

"Yeah," the redhead replied. "Of course. I guess I just got a little freaked out is all."

"Alright," Kenma said, sighing for what must've been the thousandth time that day. "Goodnight."

And Shouyou was alone.

He stripped down to his boxers before putting on the pajamas he was borrowing and then sat on the bed, running his fingers through his hair. His hand reached the back of his head, which was sore and sported a large knot where his head collided with the wall just about two hours ago. _Dammit_. He was choking up again. He could feel the tears once again beginning to spill from his eyes. Wiping them away, he got under the blankets and snuggled into the pillow. A bed. He was actually sleeping in a bed. He didn't think he'd be able to do that again for a long time.

When he woke the next morning, Shouyou felt rested. More rested than he'd felt in a long time. He stood and went to the bathroom to freshen up, but wasn't happy when he looked in the mirror. His eyes were pink and puffy and his cheeks were blotchy, all from crying the night before. He splashed some cool water on his face before leaving the bathroom, running into Kenma in the hallway.

"I'll throw on my clothes from yesterday," Shouyou said. "I'll change out of those when you bring me back to my apartment."

"Alright," Kenma replied. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"Oh!" Shouyou exclaimed. "Thank you so much, I don't care, it's whatever you want."

"Okay," Kenma said before retreating to the kitchen to cook.

Shouyou changed, but skipped his morning shower as he didn't want to use up their hot water. He tamed his hair as much as he could before making his way into the kitchen.

"We might have to eat on the road," Kenma said. "So let's just grab some granola bars and coffee."

Shouyou, Kenma, and Kuroo each piled into the car. Kenma dropped Kuroo off at work, apparently he was a part time medical researcher as well as a professional volleyball player. Shouyou really wished he kept better track of his friends after high school; it'd be nice to know what everyone was up to. He and Kenma went back to Shouyou's apartment. When they pulled into the parking lot, the redhead scanned the area for Tobio's car. Luckily, it wasn't there, meaning that the black haired man already left for work.

Shouyou ran up the stairs and changed as quickly as possible, not wanting to make either of them late for work. He rushed back down with his wallet and keys and got back in the car.

"Will you need a ride back home?" Kenma asked when he started driving again.

"No," Shouyou replied. "I can just walk. Thanks, though."

The dirty blonde sent him a dissatisfied glance, but didn't say anything. Shouyou knew that Kenma wasn't happy with the way he was taking care of himself, he just didn't necessarily care. It wasn't Kenma's business how he lived his life. Shouyou loved Tobio and nothing Kenma could say would make that change.

They pulled up to the office building in which Shouyou worked. The redhead looked in the side mirror to make sure he looked okay. Sadly, his eyes were still bloodshot and slightly puffy. Hopefully he could keep his head down and nobody would notice.

"Thanks," Shouyou said when he opened his door. "Thanks a lot. I don't know what I would've done if you didn't come last night."

"It's no problem," Kenma replied. "I'm just glad that you're okay."

Shouyou walked into the building and went up to his floor, making b-line for his desk so he wouldn't have to talk to anyone. He feverishly worked all day, not even stopping for lunch. He got done early and began to work on his resignation letter. His reason for quitting was that he "didn't have a car at his disposal" and "needed a job closer to home." Hopefully that would be a good enough excuse. Shouyou felt _extremely_ self conscious, like he was too high-maintenance.

As the time to leave was getting closer, he felt dread creep in once more. Shouyou wished he could just go back to Kenma's, but there was something he needed to do once he got home. It couldn't wait.

When he finally did get home, he went straight to the refrigerator and pulled out all the beer they had. He put both cases in a box and took it out to the dumpster at the back of their apartment building. He disposed of it all and got back to the apartment to start dinner before Tobio got back. When he did, neither of them said a word to each other, Tobio glaring at him as he walked to the fridge, Shouyou holding his breath. When the black haired man opened the refrigerator, he froze before speaking calmly.

"Where's the beer," he demanded, voice level and unreadable.

"I-I," Shouyou stuttered before straightening up, trying to hold his ground. "I got rid of it."

Tobio's eyes widened for a second. "You _what_?"

"I got rid of it," the redhead replied. "You need to stop drinking. It's not healthy for you." _Or me_ , he thought.

"Go get more," the raven said. Shouyou didn't move. "I said, go get more."

"No."

Tobio raised his eyebrows. "No?" He chuckled, taking a step forward so he was standing right in front of Shouyou, towering over him. "Did I hear you right? Because last time I checked, you were supposed to do what I say."

"Well last time I checked," the redhead said without a second thought. "You were supposed to love me more than you love beer."

Tobio hit him. Hard. On his left cheek, sending him stumbling backward until his back hit a wall. His eyes watered and his cheek throbbed.

"If you won't get more," Tobio began. "I will."

Shouyou was frozen as he watched him grab the keys and leave. So much for that plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates will be on saturdays probably and not wednesdays anymore. sorry, i'm just writing really slowly rn.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I remember that night, I just might regret that night for the rest of my days."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING for attempted rape but i promise it's not that bad

For the third time in the past two days, Tobio heard Shouyou's sobs get farther away as the former setter went down the stairs. He pushed away the sting in his chest that he felt listening to those heartbroken cries.

He didn't know why he couldn't control his anger. Words just left his lips without his permission. His hands seemed to act on their own, too. They'd robotically open bottles and bring them to his lips; they'd reflexively punch walls.

Or hit his husband.

Tobio hated hurting the person he loved the most.

It was like his body was being controlled by his addictions to lust and to alcohol. It made him do things he'd regret.

When he got into the car, he slammed his hands on the steering wheel in anger. Not at Shouyou this time, but at himself.

\----------

Shouyou stood in the shower, rubbing at his cheek. It was still sore and already began bruising. _Shit_. He heard a door open and close. Tobio was probably back with the beer. Great. He was already angry, but now he was going to be drunk, too. Maybe Shouyou will just hide away in the bathroom for the rest of the night. No, he couldn't do that. He could try to stay in there as long as possible, but Tobio would need to go in at some point. He'd just avoid him until then.

When Shouyou did come out of the bathroom, Tobio was already in bed. Shouyou went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator to find the beer case unopened. That meant Tobio hadn't drank that night. Something inside the redhead grew. _Hope_. It was hope.

When Shouyou awoke the next morning, it was a Wednesday. He would be talking to Kenma that day at lunch and he'd make sure to tell him that Tobio didn't drink the night before. The only problem was the bruise on his cheek. It wasn't _too_ dark, just a light purple dusting his cheekbone. Maybe, hopefully, Kenma, or anyone else for that matter, wouldn't notice. Sadly, they did notice. When Shouyou walked into the building, a coworker walked up to him.

"Hey, how's it- what happened to your face?"

A million excuses filled his mind and he finally picked one.

"Oh, this?" He pointed to the bruise. "I, uh, was walking through my kitchen and didn't see that a cabinet door was open, and I just walked right into it!" He chuckled nervously.

"You might want to pay better attention next time," the man said, patting him on the back before walking away.

That was close. Shouyou made it through the rest of the day without incident, but his stomach sank when he thought about meeting with Kenma. He thought of lying or just cancelling altogether, but he knew that the older would always see right through him. He'd never been able to hide anything from Kenma before and didn't know if he ever would be.

So when he walked into the cafe that day, his stomach sank when he saw Kenma's small smile turn to a frown, his eyes widening.

"Did _he_ do that?" He asked, pointing to the redhead's cheek.

"Maybe," Shouyou said, looking away.

"Oh, Shouyou-" Kenma began, but the redhead cut him off.

"But he didn't drink last night," he said. "It was the first night in months now that he was sober. I threw away all the beer and he did get pretty angry with me when I wouldn't get more, so he... You know..." He pointed to his face. "And went and got more. But he didn't drink any of it. He didn't even _open it_. Kenma, this is great!"

"Shouyou," he said. "He _hurt_ you. When he was _sober_. This isn't great. He probably just didn't drink because he felt guilty for hitting you. That doesn't mean he won't do it again. You're not safe there and I don't feel comfortable with you staying with him."

"I'm not leaving him," Shouyou said. "Not when we've started making progress."

"I need to know you're safe," Kenma begged. "And you're not as long as you're with him."

"You're not changing my mind," the redhead argued. He stood. "Maybe I should leave."

"Shouyou, wait!" He didn't turn back when he heard Kenma yell after him.

Shouyou walked back to work and, having skipped lunch, got more work done in less time than he'd originally expected, so he started on the next day's work. There were only a few more days until he would be able to stop working here and begin at his new job. Shouyou was ecstatic about that. Then, he heard papers being placed on his desk.

"You'll have to stay late today," his boss said. "I need you to make up a quick summary and bring it to a meeting in the conference room in an hour. Don't be late."

The man walked away and Shouyou let out a sigh. He was hoping to get home in time to watch Tobio and try to make sure he didn't grab a drink as soon as he got home. Oh well. He got out his phone and once again told his husband that he'd be working late. The response wasn't pretty, but it was just what Shouyou expected. He made up the summary and tied up some loose ends in his other work before going downstairs to the conference room and waiting for the meeting to start and finish. He presented his report and then sat down, praying for this surprise meeting to end soon.

When it did, it was well after dark. Shouyou _hated_ walking home in the dark. He texted Tobio and asked him to pick him up, but the answer was an obvious no. So he set off for home, walking down the road as quickly as possible. It was about halfway through his trip that he heard a voice coming from an alley.

"Hey, shortie," it said. "Come over here for a sec."

"I've really got to get home," he replied, not trusting this man or anything he had to say.

"Just come here," said another man. "It'll only take a second."

"I'm sorry, but I can't."

Shouyou turned around to go when he heard rushed footsteps and was suddenly grabbed by several hands. He lost his balance and fell, the hands dragging him into the alley. He kicked and yelled, hoping someone would come to his rescue, but no one did. Before he knew it, he was being thrown to the ground. He scrambled to get back up but a foot landed in his ribs and he fell onto his stomach. Then he was being pinned down. Shouyou stopped struggling for a minute.

"You're so damn tiny," said the one sitting on his back.

"Just relax and enjoy yourself," said the one crouching down next to them.

When he felt hands reaching for the hem of his pants, Shouyou knew he had to do something. He flailed as violently as he could to get the man off of him and when that didn't work, he took a deep breath in and screamed. He screamed as loud as he could and it echoed through the alleyway. The guy on top of him scrambled off and his partner said something to him- though Shouyou didn't hear what, because he was still screaming. Then the men were running. They were running away and when Shouyou scrambled up into a sitting position, he looked and saw several people looking into the alley and staring at him.

Shouyou stood shakily and pulled his pants back into place as people began to stop staring and go back to their daily lives. The redhead didn't even realize there were tears on his cheeks until he was back on the sidewalk, hugging his bag close to his aching ribs. He went into the nearest store, which just happened to be a small diner. He pulled out his phone and called Tobio. It rang. And rang. And went to voicemail. _Surely_ his husband was drunk by now and wouldn't be paying attention to the phone. Of course. He called Kenma instead.

"Hey, Shouyou, what's up?"

"Uh," he began hesitantly. "Could you come and get me and take me home? I had to work late and I kinda... Got jumped."

"Oh, God, of course I will," Kenma said with concern. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

Shouyou told him where he was and they hung up, the redhead going back to waiting. Hopefully Kenma would get there soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know when i'll update again, i managed to write a chapter and a half so far this week so that's good, but idk my brain won't calm down enough for me to have a good thought about what to write if that makes any sense.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If I could grant you peace of mind, if you could let me inside your heart."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't really know what to say here. i do have a question in an end note about a future story. updates here should be getting more frequent soon! i have a lot written currently and i'm almost at the end.  
> SIDENOTE: Natsu is like thirteen in this

When Kenma's car pulled up, Shouyou slowly stood, wincing at the pain in his ribs. Kenma parked along the road and got out, meeting Shouyou by the door of the diner and hugging him. The redhead gasped at the pressure on his ribs.

"Sorry," Kenma murmured. He put his hands on the redhead's shoulders. "I'm just so glad you're okay. What happened?"

"These two guys just grabbed me, and they..." He trailed off. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Okay," Kenma replied. "But you're not seriously hurt, are you?"

"No, I screamed and they ran away before they could do what they wanted."

Kenma helped Shouyou into the car and got in, himself.

"You seem really hurt," the dirty blonde said. "Are you sure you don't need to get checked out at a hospital?"

"I'm _fine_ ," the redhead replied with a weak smile. "And if it doesn't start feeling better in a few days, I promise I'll go. And listen..." He hesitated. "I'm sorry for getting mad at you earlier and leaving."

"It's fine," Kenma said. "I can see where you were coming from."

They drove in silence and before too long, they reached the apartment building. Kenma offered to go upstairs with him, but Shouyou declined, insisting that he was fine. He got out of the car and made his way up the stairs, slowly opening the door to his apartment to find Tobio, once again, sitting on his chair, watching television with a beer in his hand and two more on the table next to him. Something inside Shouyou snapped.

"I'm home," he said. No response. "Did you get my call?" An annoyed look. "Well, I called because I needed you to pick me up. Wanna know why?" Tobio ignored him. "I got jumped."

Still, he got no reaction in return. Shouyou's heart broke just a little more and he broke down into tears.

"Tobio," he said. "They tried to _rape_ me." The black haired man still stared straight ahead. "They were going to fucking rape me and _you couldn't answer the goddamn phone."_

" _Don't_ talk to me like that," Tobio said quietly. "Just... Don't."

"I can't believe you don't care," the redhead said, walking to take a shower.

Shouyou stripped himself of his clothes and winced when he saw the bruising on his ribs in the mirror. He felt tears prick his eyes. _Dammit_. Why was he always crying? The redhead let the tears fall to the floor as he got into the shower.

Why did Tobio have to be like this? He never cared about Shouyou or anything he said. It never mattered if he had a bad day at work. It never mattered if he was sick or injured. It never mattered if he wanted or needed something. Tobio was in his own little world where only _he_ mattered. He just wished Tobio would let him in. He wished his husband would care more about him. It had been five months since Tobio looked at him like he used to. Like Shouyou was his world.

When he finished his shower and walked back in the living room, he made a point to make eye contact with Tobio. Usually the redhead would avoid his eyes, but he wasn't doing so, today. He was far too angry, far too livid to simply submit like he usually did. Tobio raised his eyebrows at him and Shouyou almost looked away in fear, but instead knitted his eyebrows together and gave Tobio the angriest look he could manage. The black haired man finally spoke.

"I'm sorry that happened to you."

"That's not quite what I wanted to hear," Shouyou said, before he even knew he was talking. "I was _hoping_ you'd be sorry for not answering the phone. For caring more about the alcohol than you care about me."

But Tobio didn't say a word. He got up and walked down the hallway and into the bedroom, slamming the door. Shouyou stood and threw away the empty beer bottles. He then went to the couch and grabbed his pillow and blanket to go to sleep. Tobio had always been like that. He never knew how to deal with or express guilt and it only came out as anger. All of his emotions came out as anger nowadays.

When Shouyou woke the next morning, it was back to the normal routine, as if nothing ever happened. He'd had nightmares all the night before of what would have happened if he hadn't gotten away from those men. He shook it off and made breakfast, leaving the house a bit earlier than usual. He walked quickly through town and even faster past the alleyway where it all happened. Two more days. Only two more days of work and then he'd begin his new job and wouldn't have to walk to and from his job every day.

The day was boring, to say the least. Shouyou kept getting anxious for an unknown reason and had to listen to music while he worked, for the quiet made it worse. At lunch time, he got a phone call from his mother.

"Hey, mom," he said happily.

"Sweetie, I miss you so much! It's been so long since I've seen you. How're you and Tobio?"

"We're doing great!" They were not, in fact, doing great. "How're you and Natsu?"

"We're doing fine. She's thinking about going to Karasuno for high school, isn't that great?"

"That's awesome!" Shouyou felt lighter then than he'd felt in a long time. "How about Tobio and I come up there next weekend?"

"Can you? I wouldn't want to make you miss work."

"It's fine, we have plenty of vacation days that we're not doing anything with. I'll mention it to him and see if he's alright with going, alright?" He lowered his voice. "To be honest, I think I'd go with or without him. I miss you guys too much."

His mother chuckled. "Okay, well come if you can. I'll make all your favorite foods."

They hung up and Shouyou texted Tobio with the information about them going back home the next weekend. The latter didn't seem all that thrilled, but didn't say no, either. Shouyou was excited to see his family, but was also nervous that they would notice something wasn't quite right with him and Tobio. The thought swirled in his head for the rest of the day and when he got home, he decided to talk to Tobio about it.

"Okay," he said. "I don't want my mom knowing that things aren't the best here, so you can't drink while we're there, i-is that okay?"

"Fine," he said. "We'll leave on Friday and come back on Sunday."

"Sounds good to me," Shouyou replied.

Surprisingly, Shouyou got his way without having to fight. Maybe Tobio was actually feeling some guilt about all the things he's done in the past few months. This was yet another thing that made the redhead believe that maybe, just maybe, things would get better. He'd have to wait and see. His new job would take away a lot of stress and he was definitely ready for that.

The next day was his last day on the job and it went rather quickly. The coworkers he was friends with insisted on exchanging phone numbers and one even made a cake, which they ate during lunch. It was a good day, to say the least. That is, until he had to lug a heavy box home with all his belongings inside. He dropped it three times on the way home, breaking two picture frames and one paperweight. It was alright, though, they were replaceable.

When Monday came, Shouyou was more than ready for his new job. He packed his and Tobio's lunches and made breakfast and just as Tobio was leaving, Kenma pulled in. Shouyou ran out and got into the car with a bright smile on his face.

"Ready?" Kenma asked.

"Of _course_ I am," Shouyou replied.

They got there and the redhead realized how nervous he actually was. He was still filled with the same determination, but was still nervous. He would be shadowing Kenma the whole day and the older boy would be showing him what he'd be doing and how to work the computers. Shouyou knew enough about finance to help people with their problems, and he proved that quickly. That day, he outdid himself and his boss made sure to let him know that at the end of work hours. Shouyou went home that day in the best mood he'd been in for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so about that question. would you guys hate me if i made oikawa one of the antagonists in my next story? i really like him as a character, but with the way my next story is going to work, using him would be the most convenient. tell me what you think in the comments!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There's a lake I know in a nearby park, you and I can go when the night gets dark."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've finished writing so updates should be closer together. thanks for reading!

The days went by quickly and soon, it was Friday. Shouyou's ribs were feeling better and were only sore to the touch. With how awful the past few months had been, he was excited to be able to see his family for a little while. He and Tobio got into the car, the latter driving- Shouyou knew how he liked to be in control. The drive was three hours long and they just barely managed to stay on schedule the whole time. Tobio seemed a little put off by that, which made Shouyou increasingly nervous. Luckily, they got to their destination eventually.

Natsu was in school, but Shouyou's mother, who had the day off work, came out to the front porch to greet them as soon as they pulled into the driveway. Shouyou scrambled out of the car and ran over to his mother, throwing his arms around her.

"I missed you so much," he said.

"I'm so glad you're home," replied his mother.

Shouyou heard Tobio clear his throat behind him and turned around. The blue eyed man was standing at the trunk of their car with the bags.

"Tobio," Shouyou's mother said. "I'm so happy to see you. Let me help with some of those."

"No, ma'am," Tobio replied. "We've got them."

Shouyou was relieved. At least his husband was still treating his mother with some respect. The two of them got their bags and brought them into the house.

"You know where the guest room is, right Shou? It has a larger bed than your room, so why don't you boys stay in there, okay?"

He nodded with a smile and led Tobio down the hall, but he was _not_ looking forward to sleeping with him. He knew that the other was thinking the same thing, but they didn't want Shouyou's mother to know about their failing relationship, so they decided to put up with this for two nights. After putting their stuff down, they went back into the kitchen and sat around the table.

"So," Shouyou's mother began. "I want to hear everything you've been up to."

"Well," the redhead began with. nervous laugh. "We really haven't been doing much. Just working, paying the bills... Adult things, right?"

He and his mother chuckled, but Tobio kept his normal stern expression.

"I did get a new job, though," Shouyou continued.

"Really? Tell me all about it!"

"I'm a bank teller," he said, hoping that Tobio was listening, as the black haired man never bothered to ask about his new job. "I work with my friend Kenma and he's been showing me what to do. The boss is so much nicer than my old one and Kenma says he's super understanding, too. He can tell if someone's really trying or if they're just slacking off."

"That's so great, Shou," his mother exclaimed. "What about you, Tobio? Anything new?"

"Uh- no," he stuttered. "Same old job."

" _But_ ," Shouyou said. "He's started actually hanging out with friends."

"Oh, I'm so glad," the redheaded woman said. "I always wondered when you'd finally come out of your shell and become more social."

Tobio merely nodded, but didn't say anything. The conversation between Shouyou and his mother went on, the black haired man not saying a word, until the front door opened once more and a redheaded girl came in.

"Shou!" Natsu yelled as she dashed over to her brother.

Shouyou stood up just in time for his twelve-year-old sister to barrel into him, hugging him tight. He winced and cried out when she made impact with his still sore ribs and she jumped back.

"Did I hurt you?!" Natsu yelled. "I'm so sorry!"

"No, it's fine," Shouyou replied. "I'm still a little sore, I sorta got... jumped the other day?"

"God, Shouyou," his mother exclaimed. "Are you okay? Please tell me you at least got yourself checked out."

"Well, I didn't, but-"

" _Shouyou_!" The woman yelled.

"But, I feel fine now, honestly! It doesn't hurt to breathe anymore and it only hurts when I touch it, okay?"

His mother sighed and Natsu went back in to hug him again, this time gentler.

"I'm glad you're okay," she said.

Shouyou rubbed her back. "I love you and I'm so glad to see you."

They all sat down again.

"So what exactly happened," his mother demanded.

"O-Oh, well, um... I was just walking home, and I worked late that night so it was dark and there weren't many people around... They just grabbed me, roughed me up a little, and I got away."

Shouyou went through his story, making sure to leave out the parts that were too horrible to remember. They didn't need to know about that.

"I'm glad you got away," his mother said. "Why were you walking so late? You have a car, don't you? You know it's not safe to walk through the city after dark."

"I guess I didn't plan to be staying so late," he said with a sigh. "Can we just... change the subject?"

They did. Natsu explained how she was doing in school- the top of her class and the captain of her middle school basketball team. When she was little, she always said she'd play volleyball; but her friends started playing basketball and she got into the game, as well. They sat down for dinner and talked about their lives, just catching up. Tobio, even then, didn't say a word. Shouyou's mother looked at him every so often, her gaze questioning and almost worried.

When dinner is over, Shouyou gets an idea.

"We're going for a walk, mom," he said. "We'll be back in a little bit."

He grabbed an unsuspecting Tobio's wrist and dragged him out the door. When the door shut behind them, Tobio spoke.

"What do you want," he demanded.

"Nothing," Shouyou said. "I just want to watch the sunset with you. Is that such a bad thing?"

Tobio sighed and the redhead could've sworn he saw his eyes soften before he shook his head. Shouyou laced their fingers together and they were off along the mountain road. They looked off the edge of the road and through the trees, where the town of Karasuno was visible. The lights in the town were beginning to turn on to illuminate the darkening streets, and the lights were beautiful against the orange and pink sky. Shouyou kept walking and brought Tobio to a field just down the road. He climbed over the short fence and Tobio hesitantly did the same.

"Should we be doing this?"

Shouyou nodded. "It's fine," he said. "And it's well worth it."

They walked through the field until they came across huge circular bales of hay. Shouyou let go of his lover's hand and began climbing it.

"Stop," Tobio said. "We shouldn't be doing this and you're going to hurt yourself."

"Oh, come on, it'll be fine," Shouyou said. "Just come up and sit with me."

Tobio sighed and gave in, shocking the redhead. They both climbed the wire netting and sat atop the bale of hay, looking off at the sky once they were situated. The sun was setting in front of them and the sky was painted several hues of yellows and oranges and pinks and reds. Shouyou missed this. Being able to see the night sky without his view being distorted by the city lights.

The redhead looked up at the blue eyed man next to him. Tobio's eyes were fixed on the sky ahead of them and he looked, for the first time in forever, peaceful. His blue eyes were wide and innocent, taking in the sight. Shouyou looked back at the sunset and saw that it was almost over, that he'd used all this time to just stare at Tobio. He turned around to look at the moon coming up over the horizon and Tobio curiously did the same. You see, this is the person Shouyou fell in love with. And seeing that this person was still there somewhere deep down gave Shouyou hope.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You said you were mine; I thought you were mine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry, but this is just how the story goes.

Their visit was nice. Tobio was well behaved the whole time and Shouyou's mother didn't seem to suspect a thing about their failing relationship. When they got back home on Sunday afternoon, it was back to the old routine- Tobio drank as much as he wanted and Shouyou helplessly watched. Monday brought back their work routine, Kenma coming to get Shouyou in the morning.

"How was your visit," the pudding head asked.

"It was great," Shouyou replied. "It's so quiet there. Tobio didn't drink at all the whole time, too."

"That's great," Kenma said. "Did he drink when you got home?"

Shouyou frowned. "Well, of course."

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" Shouyou questioned. "It's not your fault."

"I just mean that I'm sorry that happened," Kenma explained.

Shouyou hummed in response and they made their way into the parking lot of the bank before they got out and walked in. The day went by quickly and painlessly. Soon enough, it was time to close- hours were shorter on Mondays. Shouyou and Kenma got into the car and left.

When they made it to the building, Shouyou noticed something. Tobio's car was in the parking lot. Why was he home and not at work? Kenma seemed to notice this, as well, because he shot Shouyou a confused glance.

"Maybe he wasn't feeling well and decided to come home," Shouyou said. "I'm sure everything's fine."

He went up the stairs and unlocked the door to his apartment, walking in and setting his stuff down. Then he heard a noise coming from the bedroom. Grunting, and... moaning? He'd say it was just Tobio getting off, but...

_There were two voices._

Shouyou walked down the hallway as quietly as possible and stopped by the bedroom door. He wasn't mistaken. There were two people in there. Filled with dread, he swung open the door...

To find Tobio and another man fucking on the bed.

All motion stopped and the three of them were frozen for a second before Tobio spoke up.

"Shouyou," he said, voice wavering with emotion- the redhead couldn't tell exactly what emotion, though. "Why are you back early?"

The redhead swallowed the lump in his throat and spoke with a wet voice, tears running down his cheeks. "T-The schedule was ch-changed..." He sniffled. "Tobio, how _could_ you?"

As Shouyou spoke, his husband got off the bed and was putting his clothes back on, as was the other man, who looked just as surprised.

"Who is that," demanded the man on the bed.

"He's-" Tobio began, but Shouyou cut him off.

"I'm his husband," he said.

"Whoa, wait," the other man deadpanned. "You're married? You-you said you were available though!"

Tobio just stood there, pale and dumbfounded. He buttoned his pants and walked towards Shouyou.

"This wasn't supposed to happen," he said. "None of this was supposed to happen."

He reached his hand out to the redhead, who flinched back.

"Don't touch me," he said. "Just... I'm just gonna go."

"Shouyou, no, wait!" Tobio was begging, walking behind the redhead who didn't stop walking. "I said wait!" He grabbed Shouyou by his bicep in a crushing grip.

"Let me go," he said.

"No," Tobio replied. "Just let me explain-"

"Let _go_!" He began to struggle but the former setter grabbed his other arm and moved him so his back was to the wall. "You're hurting me, let go!"

"You're _not_ leaving," Tobio yelled.

They were fighting, Shouyou trying to shove him away but Tobio was keeping his firm hold on him, pinning him to the wall. The redhead brought his knee up forcefully, right to his husband's crotch, making him let go and double over. Shouyou grabbed his phone and keys and ran out the door, dashing down the stairs. Even after he was outside the building, he didn't stop running. He ran until he was in the city before he stopped to catch his breath and look at where he was.

The sun was setting in front of him and the moon was rising behind him. Shouyou looked around to find himself in front of the cafe at which he usually meets Kenma. He walked in and saw his regular barista behind the counter. She smiled at him, but all he could manage was a nod before turning away so she wouldn't see him start to break down. He sat down at a table by the window and put his head down. Tobio was cheating on him. He was really cheating. Kenma was right all along. Maybe he _should_ leave Tobio.

He heard something being placed down in front of him and looked up to see the barista standing next to his table and placing his usual drink down.

"I figured you could use a pick-me-up," she said. "It's on me."

"Thanks," he said, grabbing the cup and bringing it to his lips. "I'm Shouyou," he supplied.

"Yuuki," she replied. "Enjoy. I hope things get better."

She walked away and Shouyou debated on calling Kenma. He hated relying on him so much all the time. He stared at the contact on his phone until he gave in, calling him. Kenma picked up on the first ring.

"Shouyou? What's up?"

"Tobio was cheating on me."

There was a beat of silence in which Shouyou got worried that maybe Kenma hung up on him, but the blonde spoke again.

"I'm sorry to say that I'm not surprised," he said. "Do you want me to come get you?"

"Sorry," Shouyou said. "You don't have to if you don't want to. I'm in that cafe in town."

"I'm on my way."

They hung up and Shouyou shakily picked up his cup and drank the coffee. It brought warmth to his frozen frame. He was in shock, to say the least. He thought Tobio was only his. He now knew that he wasn't so special, after all.

The doorbell rang when Kenma walked in and Shouyou stood up where he was sitting. Kenma raced over to him and wrapped his arms around him. Shouyou cried quietly into his shoulder and Kenma just held him tight.

"I'm sorry," the pudding head said. "I'm so sorry."

Shouyou could feel the eyes of various strangers on them, but in that moment, he didn't care. He just knew that he was just so incredibly sad and there was no other way to describe it. Well, maybe devastated; betrayed; hopeless. Kenma released him and they sat down at the table together.

"Are you okay?" Kenma asked.

"Ye-" Shouyou stopped himself with a sigh. "No."

He buried his face in his hands and let out a couple more quiet sobs.

"Do you know who it was?"

Shouyou shook his head. "No, and I don't want to, either. I just want to know why he did this to me."

"I know," Kenma replied. "I wish there was something I could do to take this from you."

"Why wasn't I enough for him?"

"I don't know."

"Why did he do this to me?"

"I don't-"

"I just hate this."

There was a beat of silence after that, which was followed by Kenma speaking up.

"You're coming to my place tonight," he said. "And once Tobio leaves for work tomorrow morning, we'll go and get your stuff. You're moving in with me and Kuroo."

"No," Shouyou replied. "I'll just get in the way. You guys are together, aren't you?"

"Yes, but that doesn't matter." Kenma was determined. "You won't be in the way, I promise."

They stood and Kenma put his arm around the redhead as they made it to the door. They got into the car and drove back to Kenma's house, where Shouyou got out and walked into Kuroo's outstretched arms.

"I'm sorry," Kuroo said.

Shouyou nodded. "It's fine. Do you have anything to drink?"

"I could make some tea," Kenma suggested.

"No," the redhead replied. "Something alcoholic. I just need something to take the edge off of everything right now."

Kuroo nodded and came back with a bottle of vodka and a couple of shot glasses. Kenma didn't drink anything and Kuroo only drank a little, but Shouyou downed several shots and drank until he was completely and utterly wasted. He was surprised that Kenma let him do such a thing, but he assumed it was because Shouyou was just hurting so goddamn much and he really really needed a drink. After he was done, he put his head down on the table and closed his eyes, letting the numbness sink in. Eventually, Kuroo carried him to bed that night.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You forfeit the right to my heart. You forfeit the place in our bed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heya! here's another chapter for you all.

When Shouyou awoke the next morning, his head was pounding. And it was 9:30. Why was he still in bed? He had work that day! He scrambled out of bed and subsequently fell on the floor. He sat up dizzily and heard footsteps running into the room before Kuroo opened the door.

"What happened? Are you okay?"

Shouyou nodded. "Why didn't you wake me up for work?"

"You're not going," he replied. "Kenma went, but I'm taking you back to your place so we can get your things. Remember?"

"Oh," Shouyou said. "Right."

He got up and made his way into the kitchen where Kuroo prepared coffee and already had ibuprofen laying out for him.

"Why aren't you at work?" The redhead asked.

"I don't work on Tuesdays."

Kuroo set a plate of breakfast down in front of Shouyou, who suddenly realized how hungry he was and thanked the older boy before digging in. Once he was done, he groggily helped clean up before Kuroo recommended a shower to wake up more. He did so and came out more refreshed and they were off to get his things.

When they reached the apartment building, Shouyou looked around the parking lot for Tobio's car. He really wanted to make sure they didn't run into him. Concluding that Tobio was gone, Shouyou and Kuroo got out of the car and went upstairs to the apartment. He unlocked the door and walked in, seeing Kuroo's eyes widen at the holes that had been punched in the walls.

"My clothes are in the bedroom in the left dresser," Shouyou said. "I'll grab anything else I need. There's a suitcase on the top shelf in the closet."

While Kuroo went back to pack all of Shouyou's clothes, the latter went around the house and grabbed objects to take with him, throwing them in a box Kuroo provided. He grabbed his toothbrush and toothpaste, his shampoo, any pictures he wanted, and his old leg brace. He didn't have much because Tobio never let him buy things that he didn't need, but that was okay; it just made moving easier.

Moving. He was moving out. Moving away from Tobio and away from his alcoholism. Should he be sad? Happy? Nervous? Shouyou was numb. He didn't feel a thing. He didn't feel betrayed anymore and he didn't feel bad for leaving. It was like he was a robot, incapable of feeling any emotion. As he piled his few belongings into the box, he didn't feel any sadness at his having to leave, nor any remorse at not even telling Tobio he was moving out.

This apartment didn't just hold bad memories, it was also where they made love for the very first time. Where they had just started out, fresh out of college and newly married. They'd had so much hope then. Now it was gone. Their hope was all gone because Tobio couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Shouyou was disappointed, frankly. He never thought his husband would stoop so low.

He and Kuroo left once they had all his things. Shouyou stared at the apartment building as it disappeared in the distance. Kuroo was the first to break the awkward silence.

"So," he said. "You can move into the guest room. I can drive you in to work afterwards if you'd like."

"That'd be nice," the redhead replied. "Thanks."

They went back to the house and Shouyou unpacked all his things. It didn't take long, since he barely had anything, but once he was done, he changed his clothes and freshened up before he got back into the car and let Kuroo drive him to work. He went through the day sad and not nearly as enthusiastic as he normally was. Kuroo picked them up at the end of the day and even then he was glum. Kenma suggested going out for dinner and they did so, the couple treating Shouyou to his food. He didn't want to eat much, but he knew it'd be rude if he didn't.

When they got home, Shouyou went straight to bed. He didn't care that Kenma and Kuroo wanted to talk to him more about what happened and what to do about Tobio. He just wanted some alone time. He got into bed- he felt weird sleeping in an actual bed for once- and stared at the ceiling. Tobio was cheating on him. The more he thought it, the harder it got to believe. He'd heard of couples going through this before, but why did it have to happen to him?

Shouyou wasn't sure when or how he got to sleep that night, but he did. The next few days passed in a monotonous blur of melancholy. When the numb feeling passed, it left a hole of gaping depression in its wake. Everything was a struggle. Getting out of bed was a chore. His skills with customer service were down the drain because he just couldn't deal with anyone or anything at the moment. A few uneventful weeks went by and autumn was coming. Then, he saw Tobio again.

It was a Thursday afternoon and Shouyou was at his desk in the bank. He got done with one customer and called up the next one. That's when Tobio walked in. He rushed in and cut in front of all the people who were patiently waiting in line. Shouyou felt himself blanch.

"Shouyou," Tobio said. "I can't do this. I can't be without you. Please come back."

The redhead took a deep breath. "Sir, you need to wait in line like everyone else is."

"Don't bullshit me," said the blue eyed man. "I'm not here for some consultation or money or whatever. I'm here to take you home. Please."

"Tobio, I can't-"

"You have to come back!" His voice was getting louder and drew Kenma's attention. "I'll never drink again, I promise."

Shouyou took a sniff of the air around them. "You smell like booze right now," he said. "Please leave. I'm not going back with y-"

Tobio reached over the desk and grabbed the smaller man's wrist. "You're coming back," he yelled.

Shouyou struggled against his grip and soon, Kenma and their manager were both over there.

"Is there a problem?" The manager asked.

"This isn't your business," Tobio said.

"Sir, if a man comes into my bank and is physically aggressive towards one of my employees, I'm afraid that it is my business. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"I'm not being _physically aggressive_ ," Tobio growled, squeezing Shouyou's arm tighter.

"T-Tobio, let go, you're hurting me," Shouyou squeaked.

His manager crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows. Tobio let go and shoved his hands deep into his pockets before walking towards the door.

"What ever happened to 'I'll love you forever?'" Tobio asked as he walked out.

Shouyou was left staring at the door as it closed. Kenma put a hand on his shoulder and began leading him away.

"I'll take over here for a few minutes," said the manager. "You go calm down. And maybe ice that arm- looks like it's already bruising."

Shouyou and Kenma went to the break room and the older began getting ice for the redhead.

"What if he comes back?" Shouyou asked. "Or-or what if he comes to the house? He's really unstable, he never used to yell at me in public before, it was only at home."

"I know," Kenma said. "We'll figure it out, okay? You're safe now. He can't hurt you anymore. Take a deep breath."

Shouyou did and Kenma handed him the ice pack. He put it on his wrist and used his other hand to comb through his hair. He was okay. He was safe. Kenma was there and his boss made Tobio leave. It would be okay.

"Okay," the redhead said. "I'm okay. I should go back out and-"

"No," Kenma said. "Just stay here for a little while and calm down. It'll be fine."

"But I can't keep slacking off, or I'm gonna get fired."

"He understands that you're going through a tough time."

Shouyou sighed. "Fine. I'll stay here."

The work day ended before too long and he and Kenma were leaving to pick up Kuroo when their manager stopped them.

"If you ever have trouble with him again," he said. "Call me. I may only be your manager, but I care about everyone that works here like they're my family."

"Thank you, sir," Shouyou replied. "I will."

They walked out of the building and the redhead was constantly looking over his shoulder, expecting Tobio to be waiting for him. Luckily, he wasn't, but he somehow wished he was. It was as if gravity was pulling him back toward his husband. He knew it was an unhealthy relationship, but it was all he'd known for a while now. It was strange to be without it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> three more chapters, folks! i'm sorry in advance about all i'm about to put you through.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Thoughts of you subside, then I get another letter, and I cannot put the notion away."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i remember when things started to go downhill like this. it was scary. as a nine year old child, witnessing your father destroy himself slowly and give up on life is terrifying. as horrible as things were before, this was truly when things began to go downhill.

The weeks went by uneventfully. Shouyou hadn't heard anything from Tobio for a while and hadn't seen him, either. When he went to the apartment to check up on him, he never answered the door. Even when he called, Tobio didn't pick up the phone. Why he was calling, he didn't know, but the lack of communication was making him worried.

Shouyou had the day off work, so he decided he'd go to where Tobio worked to make sure he was okay. He didn't tell Kenma or Kuroo about it. He knew they wouldn't let him go. He took the bus downtown and got off at the stop closest to the doctors office at which Tobio worked. It was around lunchtime, so he'd probably be on break. Maybe they'd get to talk a little? Hopefully Tobio wouldn't yell at him. The redhead walked into the building and up to the front desk.

"Excuse me," he said. "Is Kageyama Tobio on his lunch break? If so, I'd like to see him- I don't need an appointment, I'm his... ex-husband."

The woman typed something in her computer before looking back up. "I'm sorry, but you won't find him here. He quit last week."

Shouyou was shocked. "Oh, okay. Thank you for your time."

He walked back out and sighed. Tobio quit? He _quit_? Why on earth would he do that? He was always a hard worker and never quit, _ever_ , unless there was a reason. Hell, he'd been employee of the month for twenty-three months in a row! What the hell possessed him to make him quit? Shouyou got back on the bus to go home. He'd have to try harder to find Tobio, maybe park outside his house until he'd come out so Shouyou could corner him.

But maybe he shouldn't. He knew Tobio wasn't afraid to hurt him, so was he really willing to take that chance? He'd be putting himself at risk, but what if it was worth it? What if he could talk Tobio into going to rehab again? Shouyou knew he had to do this. It might be the only thing he could do to save Tobio.

Instead of going home, Shouyou took the bus to the stop closest to the old apartment. He buzzed the apartment that Tobio should be in. He buzzed again. And again. Nothing happened, so he took out his key and unlocked the door. He didn't want to have to do it this way, but if Tobio was just going to keep being difficult, Shouyou would be, too. He reached the apartment door and began knocking.

"Tobio?" He heard shuffling inside. "Tobio, I know you're in there. Let me in. We need to talk."

"Why should I?" A voice came from the other side of the door.

"Because I have a key and I'm coming in whether you like it or not."

Shouyou heard steps and saw the door open. In front of him stood an unshaven, half-dressed Tobio with dark circles around his cold blue eyes. Shouyou's eyes scanned him and landed on a bit of new pudginess on the former setter's stomach. It was strange- the redhead had never, ever seen Tobio out of shape before.

"What do you want," the taller demanded.

"I-I..." Shouyou couldn't think of what he wanted to say. "Are you okay?"

Tobio scoffed. "Okay? Yeah. Of course. Now leave me alone."

Shouyou stepped forward just as Tobio shut the door in his face and his forehead hit the door. He took a step back and pouted as he rubbed at his forehead before giving it another try and knocking again.

"Hey," he said. "I know you hate me, but I want to help you."

Rushed footsteps were followed by the door being swung open and suddenly, Tobio had a fistful of Shouyou's shirt.

"Leave," he growled. "Go now and don't come back. I don't want to see you around here."

The door shut again and Shouyou straightened out his shirt before turning and walking back down the stairs. He walked back to the bus stop and boarded another bus to go back home. His attempts were futile. Tobio didn't want help; he only wanted to shut him out; and maybe, just maybe, Shouyou would just have to accept that.

The days passed and soon, Shouyou's mind was on things other than Tobio. The man's face wasn't clouding his every thought for once and he felt like, for the first time, he could do whatever he wanted. Depression still followed his every move and held him down as if weights were attached to his ankles and wrists, but he was surviving and maybe, just maybe, you could call it living. He worked nearly every day, but that was alright. He had nothing else to do, really. Besides that, he called his mother and sister whenever he could and began explaining vaguely why he and Tobio split. All he said was that Tobio had "gone back to his old ways" and he "wasn't as loyal as one would think."

Things were looking up. It wasn't vastly better, but it was a little bit better than before. He still felt like he was intruding while he stayed with Kenma and Kuroo. He dug through his savings to see if he could afford an apartment, but he wasn't so sure that he could support himself on his own with such a low income. But that was okay. Shouyou could definitely climb the ranks at work if he did his best. He liked being in customer service. He wasn't exactly introverted, so it came naturally to him.

Once again, things were looking up.

Little did he know that his whole world would soon come crumbling down.

It was around ten thirty at night when Shouyou received the call. Kuroo and Kenma were in their room and Shouyou was in his, just getting ready to turn in for the night when his cellphone rang. It was Tobio.

"H-Hello?"

"Hey, Shouyou." His voice sounded fragile and nasally. "God, I don't know what I was expecting from this."

"What's going on," Shouyou demanded. "Is something wrong?"

There was a sigh from the other end. "Well, you see, I'm drunk, but for some reason I'm not as angry as usual."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"Yes," Tobio replied. "But now I think I'm in the right state of mind to do what I've wanted to do for a long time."

"What's that?"

"I'm going to kill myself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry. it's just how the story goes.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's quiet uptown."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING for suicide. i'm sorry.  
> *listen to How To Save A Life by The Fray while reading this, you won't regret it

"I'm going to kill myself."

Shouyou's stomach dropped and the air left his lungs. "You... What?"

"I'm finally doing it," Tobio said. "I have a gun, and I'm killing myself."

Suddenly, Shouyou moved. He stumbled out of his room and into the room where Kenma and Kuroo were kissing on the bed. Ignoring their questions, he grabbed Kenma's phone from the table.

"Don't do anything, Tobio," he said. " _Please_."

He dialed the police.

"What's wrong," Kenma demanded. "What's he going to do?"

Shouyou took the phones away from his mouth. "He's killing himself."

Kenma and Kuroo both went pale. The police station answered the phone.

"What's your emergency?"

"M-My husband- he's alone and he just called and he said he's going to kill himself!"

"Shouyou," Tobio said. "It'll be okay. It'll be better this way."

"No it won't," Shouyou said. He began talking to the police again. "I have to go over there," he said.

"No," said the policeman on the phone. "If he's armed, he's dangerous. He could end up turning on you."

"Tobio," Shouyou cried. "Please don't do this."

"I've hurt you too many times," said his husband. "I can't live with myself."

"But I forgive you," the redhead said. "You don't have to do this."

"We're on our way," said the policeman on the phone. "We should be there soon."

"I'm sorry, Shouyou," Tobio said. "For everything I've done."

"No," Shouyou said. He turned to the police. "You have to hurry!"

Kenma put an arm around the redhead.

"We're pulling into the parking lot."

"I have to go now."

"No!"

_BANG!_

Shouyou let both the phones drop to the floor. He began hyperventilating and crying and everything in between. He couldn't breathe.

"Shouyou," Kenma said, having picked up the phone with the police. "They have a pulse. An ambulance is taking him to the hospital, but air-care is on its way to pick him up."

The redhead was still kneeling on the ground, hands covering his mouth. The shot was ringing through his ears and his breath was coming out in quick bursts. Kenma kneeled next to him and rubbed his back. This was a nightmare. Shouyou just wanted to wake up. He wanted to wake up and be in bed with Tobio and he wanted it to be like it was just after they got married. No alcohol, no pills, no guns. He wanted this to be a dream.

But it wasn't, and it took a while for him to snap out of it. By the time he did, Tobio was dead. His time of death was exactly 11:20 in the evening.

-

The sky was grey and rainy. The air was windy and bitingly cold on this, the tenth of November. A Wednesday. Kuroo drove them through the city and towards the apartment. Shouyou hadn't slept a wink the night before. For him, hearing the gunshot had been... Too much.

When they reached the building, they parked in the lot and approached the door. Shouyou unlocked it and they went upstairs, stopping at the front of the apartment door. The redhead took a deep breath in before unlocking the door and walking in. All of the carpeting in the front room had been taken out, but Shouyou could see a dark red stain on the concrete flooring that should've been covered with carpet. It didn't take much thinking to know what it was.

He went deeper inside and began going through things. He went to the bedroom and took one of Tobio's shirts, inhaling the scent. It still smelled like him. He walked into the bathroom and found a note taped to the mirror. _Going to work is good for me_ , it read. _I need to go to work_. So Tobio was trying. He was trying to save himself. His attempts just weren't enough. Walking back to the main part of the apartment, he heard Kenma call his name.

"Look what I found," he said.

It was a note.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry i didn't warn you about this, but i wanted you all to have the kind of shock that we all did. there isn't any preparation for this in the real world. imagine waking up in the morning and finding out hat someone you love killed themselves during the night. it's horrible, really. but there's no preparation or warning.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I am nevertheless too sensible of my defects not to think it probable that I may have committed many errors."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for reading. so much.

_Shouyou,_

_Well, this is it; it's finally the end. I hope you never once think that I didn't love you. I did, really. For the past few years, it's just seemed as if I haven't been in control of myself. My body would do things without my permission. It would drink, it would yell at you, it would hit you. It would even cheat on you. There was never once a moment that you weren't on my mind. Even when the alcohol turned everything into a haze, you were still present in my thoughts. It was as if your love was in reach, but every time I would stretch out my arm, it would retract itself._

_I'm not saying you did anything wrong. No, you really didn't. It was all my fault. All of this was my fault and I don't want you to blame yourself. It's better this way, it really is. There's always some good reason for people to walk into and out of your life, whether it's to give you the best time of your life or teach you a painful lesson. And I hope I've taught you a lesson, however painful it may be. I want to teach you that you deserve more. You deserve so much more than me. You deserve someone who treats you like the wonderful, beautiful person you are. Someone who is kind- just as I haven't been. You deserve someone who knows how to make it up to you when they fail; not someone who is just really good at using the word "sorry."_

_Our relationship would've never worked out. I realize that now and I hope you do, too. Relationships don't work unless both parties are trying; not just you. I wasn't willing to try in life, so I decided to make things better in my death. That's why I'm writing this to you. You know I'm not good with words and emotions. I could've said this all over the phone before I did this, but I didn't. I can't. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I do know that that's where the flaw in our relationship is. It's with me, not with you._

_It's been two months since you moved out. I can't blame you for it, but I sometimes wonder- is this really what we've become? Just a simple measurement of time? The apartment is cold without you. I felt it as soon as I got home the day you left. As soon as I realized you were never coming back. You might not believe me, but I cried that day. I cried so damn much. The alcohol wasn't enough so I found where you hid the pills. I took a lot of them. It numbed the pain for a while, but not long enough. I knew then that I'd have to end it sooner or later. I bought the gun before you even left. I'd had it for about a month by the time you left. I don't know why I didn't just end it all right then and there. I suppose I was holding onto some hope that you, my light and my sun, would come back. But when you tried, I didn't accept it. I knew I hurt you in a way I couldn't fix._

_My sun. That's what you are- or, well, you were. Since meeting you, I understood what Romeo was saying when he described Juliet as someone who teaches torches to burn bright. When you left, all the torches stopped burning; my life became cold, and dark, and empty. To think that I almost put out that light because of my addiction and narcissistic ways makes me despise myself more than I originally did._

_The problem here is that I fall in love with people a lot. Over trivial things, really. It could be the way they bite their lip when they're worried, the way they drink their coffee, or the way they stick their tongue out just a little bit when immersed in thought. For you, I fell in love with so many things, there wouldn't be enough paper in the world for me to write them all down. I never felt the same love for the man I was cheating on you with. I know, I know, these words can't make up for how badly I hurt you, but just hear me out. I was in love with his body. That's it. I love you in a different way. I love your voice, your brain, all your little mannerisms, as well as your body. I'm crazy about you._

_Or, rather, I was crazy about you. By the time you read this, I'll be dead. I'll try not to get any blood on this paper, but you'll have to forgive me if I do. I'm sorry for all of this. I know that my leaving will cause you pain. I know you loved me- and you might still, though I don't blame you if you don't. I want you to get over me. But still, I wonder if I ever cross your mind. You cross mine all the time. Well, more like you've been a lingering thought that's always louder than my others. I see you in the sunsets outside my window, in the coffee on my table, even in the beer in my hand. All these thoughts and my mind always comes back to you._

_You know, I fuck up everything. I really do. I fucked up my friendships all through elementary and middle school; I fucked up my opportunities at having a volleyball career; and dammit, I tried so hard not to fuck it up with you, too. I prayed and I promised myself that I'd keep you, treat you the way you deserve to be treated. But I fucked that one up, too. Big time. There's nothing I can do or say to make things better. That's why I chose death._

_And don't you dare think this is your fault. It's not. It's all on me. All the pain you've felt over the years; all the times I drank myself to sleep; all the tears you've shed. It's all my fault. I'm accepting responsibility for my actions. I can't stress enough how sorry I am. I never had a chance with you. I'm too abrasive and harsh, and you are sensible and kind. We're polar opposites. You are a huge garden and I am a small bug, seeking a home in that garden._

_But I found myself in you. It's strange how you can find everything you want in the world in one single person. You taught me how to love, even if I had a pretty shitty way of showing it. You taught me how to feel that emotion, but I sadly didn't know what to do with it. I still don't. I don't know if writing this letter shows you just how much I love you._

_I'm proud of you, do you know that? You were able to let me go so well before, just do it again. Instead of letting me go slowly, you were gone as soon as you walked in on me and that man. I always thought that I knew what it was like to be alone. I mean, I lost all of my friends in middle school, wasn't I alone then? No. When you walked out the door for the last time, I knew I was truly alone. I had no idea what loneliness was before this._

_There is so much more that I want to say to you, but I have to leave it here as I cannot put my thoughts into words. Once again, it's not your fault. Don't tell yourself that it is, please. I did this to not only spare myself from pain, but you, as well. I can't guarantee that I won't keep seeking you, and you don't need that. You don't need this toxic relationship in your life. So, I'm removing myself._

_Thank you for everything. I'll love you forever._

_With love,_

_Tobio_

Things were never the same again. Shouyou has PTSD and can't make phone calls. At all. He panics whenever he tries to do so. He gets extreme anxiety in the evening hours and has a bad case of insomnia. But he moves on. He meets new people, has new lovers, tries to put his pieces back together.

"How'd you lose him?" A particular lover asked.

"I didn't," he replied. "He was never mine to begin with; and I think that's what hurts the most."

"Did you love him?" Another asked.

"Does it matter?" Shouyou replied.

"What do you mean?"

"Love was never enough to save him, in the long run. If love could've saved him, he would've lived forever."

The moral of this story is that there aren't always happy endings. Like I said, things don't always turn out how you want them to. Sometimes, love isn't enough. Sometimes, love fails. But even though happy endings don't always happen, that doesn't mean it's all bad. All stories end with death; that's just a given. But not all deaths are in vain. And what comes before those deaths matter. So make your story worth it. We go through each day knowing that we are one step closer to the grave; to our inevitable deaths. Don't end your story early. Even if you think no one cares, that's what Tobio thought. And look at how much it ruined Shouyou. Don't throw your life away. Don't let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! check out my other works! also, please go listen to Letting Go by Mayday Parade, as i listened to it while writing most of this.


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